A drunk man who smelled like whiskey sat down on a bench in a subway station, next to a priest. The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half empty bottle of Jim Beam was sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He opened his newspaper and began reading. After a few minutes the man turned to the priest and asked, "Say Father, what causes arthritis?" The priest replies, "My Son, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap wicked women, too much alcohol, contempt for your fellow man, sleeping around with prostitutes, and lack of a bath." The drunk muttered in response, "Well, I'll be damned," then returned to his paper. The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized. "I'm very sorry. I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?" The drunk answered, "I don't have it, Father. I was just reading here that the Pope does." Suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress.... But now I repeat myself. Mark Twain I contend that for a nation to try to tax itself into prosperity is like a man standing in a bucket and trying to lift himself up by the handle. Winston Churchill> A government which robs Peter to pay Paul can always depend on the support of Paul. George Bernard Shaw> A liberal is someone who feels a great debt to his fellow man, which debt he proposes to pay off with your money. G Gordon Liddy> Democracy must be something more than two wolves and a sheep voting on what to have for dinner. James Bovard, Civil Libertarian (1994)> Foreign aid might be defined as a transfer of money from poor people in rich countries to rich people in poor countries. Douglas Casey, Classmate of Bill Clinton at Georgetown University Giving money and power to government is like giving whiskey and car keys to teenage boys. P.J. O'Rourke, Civil Libertarian> Government is the great fiction, through which everybody endeavors to live at the expense of everybody else. Frederic Bastiat, French Economist (1801-1850)> Government's view of the economy could be summed up in a few short phrases: If it moves, tax it. If it keeps moving, regulate it. And if it stops moving, subsidize it. Ronald Reagan (1986) I don't make jokes. I just watch the government and report the facts. Will Rogers If you think health care is expensive now, wait until you see what it costs when it's free! P.J. O'Rourke In general, the art of government consists of taking as much money as possible from one party of the citizens to give to the other. Voltaire (1764) Just because you do not take an interest in politics doesn't mean politics won't take an interest in you! Pericles (430 B.C.) No man's life, liberty, or property is safe while the legislature is in session. Mark Twain (1866) Talk is cheap...except when Congress does it. Unknown The government is like a baby's alimentary canal, with a happy appetite at one end and no responsibility at the other. Ronald Reagan The inherent vice of capitalism is the unequal sharing of the blessings. The inherent blessing of socialism is the equal sharing of misery. Winston Churchill The only difference between a tax man and a taxidermist is that the taxidermist leaves the skin. Mark Twain The ultimate result of shielding men from the effects of folly is to fill the world with fools. Herbert Spencer, English Philosopher (1820-1903) There is no distinctly native American criminal class...save Congress. Mark Twain What this country needs are more unemployed politicians. Edward Langley, Artist (1928 - 1995) A government big enough to give you everything you want, is strong enough to take everything you have. Thomas Jefferson     One day, Jay Dini came home and was greeted by his wife dressed in a very sexy nightie. "Tie me up," she purred, "and you can do anything you want." So he tied her up and went fishing.     A woman came home, screeching her car into the driveway, and ran into the house. She slammed the door and shouted at the top of her lungs, "Honey, pack your bags. I won the damn lottery!"     The husband said, "Oh my God! What should I pack, beach stuff or mountain stuff?" "Doesn't matter," she said. "Just get the hell out"     Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right, and the other is a husband.     A Polish immigrant went to the DMV to apply for a driver's license. First, of course, he had to take an eyesight test. The optician showed him a card with the letters: 'C Z W I X N O S T A C Z.'     "Can you read this?" the optician asked. "Read it?" the Polish guy replied, "I know the guy."     Mother Superior called all the nuns together and said to them, "I must tell you all something. We have a case of gonorrhea in the convent."     "Thank God," said an elderly nun at the back. "I'm so tired of chardonnay."     A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband. Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen. "Careful," he said, "CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my GOD! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my GOD! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful...CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind?     Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!!! THE SALT!!!" The wife stared at him. "What in the world is wrong with you?     You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?" The husband calmly replied, "I wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving."     Fifty-one years ago, Herman James, a North Carolina mountain man, was drafted by the Army. On his first day in basic training, the Army issued him a comb. That afternoon the Army barber sheared off all his hair. On his second day, the Army issued Herman a toothbrush. That afternoon the Army dentist yanked seven of his teeth. On the third day, the Army issued him a jock strap. The Army has been looking for Herman for 51 years. A couple was invited to a swanky masked Halloween Party. Just before they started getting ready she got a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party alone. Being a devoted husband, he protested but she argued that she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed and there was no need for him to miss the party. So . . . he took his costume and away he went. The wife, after sleeping soundly for about an hour, awakened without pain and, as it was still early, she decided to go the party. Since her husband did not know what her costume was, she thought she would have some fun by watching her husband to see how he acted when she was not with him. She joined the party and soon spotted her husband cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with every nice chick he could, and copping a little feel here and a little kiss there. His wife sidled up to him and being a rather seductive babe herself, he left his current partner high and dry and began devoting his time to the new stuff that had just arrived. She let him go as far as he wished; naturally, since he was her husband. Finally, he whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed, so off they went to one of the cars and had a little bang. Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away, went home, put the costume away and got into bed, wondering what kind of explanation he would make for his behavior. She was sitting up reading when he came in, and she asked what kind of a time he had. He said: - Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when you're not there. - Did you dance much? - I'll tell you, I never even danced one dance. When I got there, I met Pete, Bill Brown and some other guys, so we went into the den and played poker all evening. But you're not going to believe what happened to the guy I loaned my costume to......." A man and his wife were sitting in the living room and he said to her,                "Just so you know, I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug." His wife got up, unplugged the TV and threw out all of his beer. A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing oxygen mask over his mouth and nose, still heavily sedated from a difficult, four hour, surgical procedure. A young, student nurse appears to give him a partial sponge bath. -"Nurse,"- he mumbles, from behind the mask. -"Are my testicles black?" Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, -"I don't know, Sir, I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet." He struggles to ask again, -"Nurse, are my testicles black?" Concerned that he may elevate his vitals from worry about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and sheepishly pulls back the covers. She raises his gown, holds his penis in one hand and his testicles in the other, lifting and moving them around. Then, she takes a close look and says, -"There's nothing wrong with them, Sir." The man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her and says very slowly, -"Thank you very much. That was wonderful, but, listen very, very closely, "A r e - m y - t e s t - r e s u l t s - b a c k?" Billy Joe Bob and Bubba were walking down a country road when they came upon a young woman with a flat tire on her bicycle.  Bubba stopped to help her and Billy Joe Bob continued on down the road.  Soon after, Bubba came riding up on the bike and Billy Joe Bob asked him what had happened. "Well," said Bubba, "I stopped and fixed the tire for that girl and after I did that, she took off her panties, lay down in the grass and told me to take whatever I wanted.  I chose the bicycle." Billy Joe Bob said, "Well, Bubba, that was probably the right choice, cuz them  panties probably wouldn't have fit you anyway." Gene & Joan are on the brink of divorce and decides to go visit a marriage counselor. The counselor asks the wife what is the problem.   Joan responds, "My husband suffers from premature ejaculation." The counselor turns to her husband and inquires, "Is that true?" Gene replies, " Well not exactly, it's she that suffers, not me." A guy stuck his head into a barber shop and asked, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looked around the shop full of customers and said, "About two hours." The guy left. A few days later the same guy stuck his head in the door and asked, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looked around at the shop and said, "About three hours." The guy left. A week later the same guy stuck his head in the shop and asked, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looked around the shop and said, "About an hour and half." The guy left. The barber turned to a friend and said, "Hey, Bill, do me a favor, follow that guy and see where he goes. He keeps asking how long he has to wait for a haircut, but then he doesn't ever come back." A little while later Bill returned to the shop, laughing hysterically. The barber asked, "So where does that guy go when he leaves?" Bill looked up, tears in his eyes and said, "Your house." Grandpa and Grandma were visiting the kids overnight, when Grandpa found a bottle of Viagra in his son's medicine cabinet. He asked the son about using one of the pills.    The son said, "I don't think you should take one, they're very strong and very expensive.    How much, asked Grandpa? "$10.00 a pill", answered the son. "I don't care," said Grandpa, "I'd still like to try one, and I'll leave the money under your pillow as soon as I break this bill." The next morning the son found $110.00 under his pillow. The son said, "I told you each pill was $10.00, not $110.00." "I know, said Grandpa. The hundred is from Grandma. Butch the rooster John the farmer was in the fertilized egg business. He had several  hundred young layers (hens), called pullets and eight or ten roosters, whose job was to fertilize the eggs. The farmer kept records and any rooster that didn't perform went into the soup pot and was replaced. That took an awful lot of his time so he bought a set of tiny bells and attached them to his roosters. Each bell had a different tone so John could tell from a distance,  which rooster was performing. Now he could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report simply by listening to the bells. The farmer's favorite rooster was old Butch, a very fine specimen he  was, too. But on this particular morning John noticed old Butch's bell hadn't rung at all! John went to investigate. The other roosters were! chasing pullets,  bells-a-ringing. The pullets, hearing the roosters coming, would  run for cover. But to Farmer John's amazement, Butch had his bell in his beak, so it couldn't ring. He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one. John was so proud of Butch, he entered him in the county fair and Butch became an overnight sensation among the judges. The result...The judges not only awarded Butch the "No Bell Piece Prize" but they also awarded him the "Pulletsurprise" as well. Clearly Butch was a politician in the making. Who else but a politician could figure out how to win two of the most highly coveted awards on our planet by being the best at sneaking up on the populace  and screwing them when they weren't paying attention? Taxiing down the tarmac, a jetliner abruptly stopped, turned around and returned to the gate. After an hour-long wait, it finally took off. A concerned passenger asked the flight attendant, "What was the problem?" "The pilot was bothered by a noise he heard in the engine," she explained. "So you fixed the problem. That's good.", said the passsenger. "Oh heavens no", replied the flight attendant, "It took us awhile to find a new pilot." A man went into a pharmacy and asked to talk to a male pharmacist. The woman he was talking to said that she was the pharmacist and that she and her sister owned the store, so there were no males employed there. She then asked if she could help the gentleman. The man said that it was something that he would be much more comfortable discussing with a male pharmacist. The female pharmacist assured him that she was completely professional and whatever it was that he needed to discuss, he could be confident that she would treat him with the highest level of professionalism. The man agreed and began by saying, "This is tough for me to discuss, but I have a permanent erection. It causes me a lot of problems and severe embarrassment. So I was wondering what you could give me for it." The pharmacist said, "Just a minute, I'll go talk to my sister." When she returned, she said, "We discussed it at length and the absolute best we can do is, 1/3 ownership of the shop, a company car, and $3,000 a month living expenses." A drunk had been at a pub all night. At last call, the drunk stood up to leave and fell flat on his face. He tried to stand one more time, to the same result. He figured he'd crawl outside to get some fresh air, since maybe that would sober him up. Once outside, he stood up and fell flat on his face. So he decided to crawl the four blocks to his house. When he arrived at the door he stood up and again fell flat on his face. He crawled through the door and into his bedroom. When he reached his bed he tried one more time to stand up. This time he managed to pull himself upright, but he quickly fell right into bed and was sound asleep the second his head hit the pillow. He was awakened the next morning by his wife shouting, "So you've been out drinking again, have you?!" "No! What makes you say that?" he asked, putting on his best innocent expression. "The pub called... you forgot your wheelchair again." This has got to be one of the best singles ads ever printed. It appeared in The Atlanta Journal. SINGLE BLACK FEMALE seeks male companionship, ethnicity unimportant.  I'm a very good looking girl who LOVES to play.  I love long walks in the woods, riding in your pickup truck, hunting, camping and fishing trips, cozy winter nights lying by the fire.  Candlelight dinners will have me eating out of your hand.  Rub me the right way and watch me respond.  I'll be at the front door when you get home from work, wearing only what nature gave me. Kiss me and I'm yours.  Call (404) 875-6420 and ask for Daisy. Over 15,000 men found themselves talking to the Atlanta Humane Society about an 8-week old black Labrador Retriever. Men are so easy  An 86 year old man walked into a crowded doctor's office. As he approached the desk, the receptionist said, "Yes sir, what are you seeing the doctor for today?" "There's something wrong with my dick," he replied. The receptionist became irritated and said, "You shouldn't come into a crowded office and say things like that." "Why not? You asked me what was wrong and I told you," he said. The receptionist replied, "You've obviously caused some embarrassment in this room full of people. You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something and then discussed the problem further with the doctor in private. "The man replied, "You shouldn't ask people things in a room full of others, if the answer could embarrass anyone." The man walked out, waited several minutes and then reentered. The receptionist smiled smugly and asked, "Yes?" "There's something wrong with my ear," he stated. The receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice. "And what is  wrong with your ear, Sir?" "I can't piss out of it," the man replied. The doctor's office erupted in laughter. One afternoon at Cheers, Cliff Clavin was explaining the Buffalo Theory to his buddy Norm. Here's how it went: "Well ya see, Norm, it's like this... A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members. In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, as we know, kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers." A college professor was doing a study testing the senses of first graders. Using a bowl of lifesavers. He gave all the children the same kind of lifesavers, one at a time, and asked them to identify them by color and flavor. The children began to say: Red............cherry Yellow.......lemon Green........lime Orange......orange Finally the professor gave them all honey lifesavers. After eating them for a few minutes none of the children could identify the taste.  "Well"' he said, "I'll give you a clue. It's what your mother might sometimes call your father." One little girl looked up in horror, spit hers out and yelled,"Oh, my God! They're assholes!" A little boy got on the bus, sat next to a man reading a book, and noticed he had his collar on backwards. The little boy asked why he wore his collar that way. The man, who was a priest, said, "I am a Father". The little boy replied "My Father doesn't wear his collar like that". The priest looked up from his book and answered "I am the Father of many". The little boy said, "My Dad has 4 boys, 4 girls, and 2 grandchildren, and he doesn't wear his collar that way". The priest, getting impatient, said, "I am the Father of hundreds", and went back to reading his book. The little boy sat quietly, but, on leaving the bus, leaned over and said, "Well, maybe you should wear your pants backwards instead of your collar." If you're not familiar with the work of Steven Wright, he's the famous erudite scientist who once said: "I woke up one morning and all of my stuff had been stolen...and replaced by exact duplicates." His mind sees things differently than we do, to our amazement and amusement. Here are some more of his gems: 1 . I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize. 2 . Borrow money from pessimists -- they don't expect it back. 3 . Half the people you know are below average. 4 . 99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name. 5 . 42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot. 6 . A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good. 7 . A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory. 8 . If you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain. 9 . All those who believe in psycho-kinesis, raise my hand. 10 . The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese. 11 . I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met. 12 . OK, so what's the speed of dark? 13 . How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink? 14 . If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something. 15 . Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm. 16 . When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane. 17 . Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy. 18 . Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now. 19 . I intend to live forever -- so far, so good. 20 . If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends? 21 . Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines. 22 . What happens if you get scared half to death twice? 23 . My mechanic told me, "I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder." 24 . Why do psychics have to ask you for your name? 25 . If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried. 26 . A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking. 27 . Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it. 28 . The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread. 29 . To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research. 30 . The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard. 31 The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up. 32 . The colder the x-ray table, the more of your body is required to be on it. 33 . Everyone has a photographic memory, some just don't have film. An old farmer in Georgia had owned a large farm for several years. He had a large pond in the back, fixed up nice; picnic tables, horseshoe courts, basketball court, etc. The pond was properly shaped and fixed up for swimming when it was built. One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over. As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with > glee. As he came closer he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny dipping in his pond. He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end of the pond. One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave!" The old man replied, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked. ... I'm here to feed the alligator." Moral: Old age and cunning will triumph over youth and enthusiasm every time. A woman meets a gorgeous man in a bar. They talk, they connect, they end up leaving together. They get back to his apartment and she notices that his bedroom is completely packed with sweet cuddly teddy bears. Hundreds of cute small bears on a shelf all the way along the floor, cuddly medium-sized ones on a shelf a little higher, and huge enormous bears on the top shelf along the wall. The woman is surprised that this guy would have a collection of teddy bears, especially one that's so extensive, but she decides not to mention this to him, and actually is quite impressed by his sensitive side.  She turns to him... they kiss...and then they rip each other's clothes off and make hot steamy love. After an intense night of passion with this sensitive guy, they are lying there together in the afterglow, the woman rolls over and asks, smiling, "Well, how was it?" The guy says: Help yourself to any prize from the bottom shelf." An Irishman moves into a tiny hamlet in County Kerry, walks into the pub  and promptly orders  three Guinesses. The barman raises his eyebrows, but serves the man three pints, which  he drinks quietly at a table, alone.  An hour later, the man has finished the three pints and orders three more.  This happens yet again. The next evening the man orders and drinks three pints at a time, several times.  Soon the entire town is whispering about the Man Who Orders Three pints. A week later, the barman broaches the subject on behalf of the town. "I don't mean to pry, but folks around here are wondering why you always order three pints?"  Tis odd, isn't it?" the man replies, "You see, I have two brothers, and one  went to America,  and the other to Australia. We promised each other that we would always order an extra two pints whenever we drank as a way of  keeping up the  family bond."  The barman and the whole town was pleased with this answer, and soon the Man Who Orders Three Pints became a local celebrity and source of pride to the hamlet, even to the extent that out-of-towners would come to watch him drink.  Then, one day, the man comes in and orders only two Pints. The barman pours them with a heavy heart. This continues for the rest of the evening.  He orders only two pints. The word flies around town. Prayers are offered for the soul of one of the brothers.  The next day, the barman says to the man, "Folks around here, me first of all, want to offer me condolences to you for the death of  your brother. You  know-the two pints and all..."  The man ponders this for a moment, then replies, "You'll be happy to hear my two brothers are alive and well. It's just that I, meself, have decided to give up drinking for Lent." The CIA had an opening for an assassin. After all the background check, interviews, and testing were done, there were three finalists Two men and a woman. For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. "We must know that you will follow your instructions, no matter what the circumstances. Inside this room, you will find your wife sitting on a chair. Kill Her!!!" The man said, "You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife." The agent said," Then you're not the right man for this job. Take your wife and go home." The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes. Then the man came out with tears in his eyes. "I tried, but I can't kill my wife." The agent said, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home." Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same instructions, to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one shot after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow. "This gun is loaded with blanks", she said. "I had to beat him to death with the chair."  I once had a rose named after me and I was very flattered. But I was not pleased to read the description in the catalogue: "no good in a bed, but fine up against a wall". (Eleanor Roosevelt) The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending and having the two as close together as possible. (George Burns) Santa Claus has the right idea - visit people only once a year. (Victor Borge) Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint. > > (Mark Twain) What would men be without women? Scarce, sir, mighty scarce. (Mark Twain) My wife is a sex object - every time I ask for sex, she objects. (Les Dawson) By all means marry: If you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher. (Socrates)  I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury. (Groucho Marx) My wife has a slight impediment in her speech - every now and then she stops to breathe. (Jimmy Durante) Money can't buy you happiness, but it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery. (Spike Milligan) What's the use of happiness? It can't buy you money. (Henny Youngman) I am opposed to millionaires, but it would be dangerous to offer me the position. ( Mark Twain) Until I was thirteen, I thought my name was 'shut up.' (Joe Namath) Youth would be an ideal state if it came a little later in life. (Herbert Henry Asquith) I don't feel old - I don't feel anything until noon. Then it's time for my nap. (Bob Hope) A woman drove me to drink - and I hadn't even the courtesy to thank her. (W.C. Fields) I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it. (W.C. Fields) It takes only one drink to get me drunk. The trouble is, I can't remember if it's the thirteenth or the fourteenth. (George Burns) Some guy hit my fender the other day, and I said unto him " Be fruitful and multiply". But not in those words . . . . . (Woody Allen) A man's home is his castle, in a manor of speaking. Dijon vu -- the same mustard as before. Practice safe eating -- always use condiments. Shotgun wedding: A case of wife or death. A man needs a mistress just to break the monogamy. A hangover is the wrath of grapes. Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play. Sea captains don't like crew cuts. Does the name Pavlov ring a bell? Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion. Reading while sunbathing makes you well-red. When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I. A bicycle can't stand on its own because it is two-tired. What's the definition of a will? It's a dead giveaway. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana. A backward poet writes inverse. In democracy your vote counts. In feudalism your count votes. She had a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but broke it off. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion. If you don't pay your exorcist, you get repossessed. With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress. Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft, and I'll show you A flat minor. When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds. The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart. You feel stuck with your debt if you can't budge it. Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under. He often broke into song because he couldn't find the key. Every calendar's days are numbered. A lot of money is tainted. It taint yours and it taint mine. A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat. He had a photographic memory that was never developed. A plateau is a high form of flattery. The short fortuneteller who escaped from prison was a small medium at  large. Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end. Once you've seen one shopping center, you've seen a mall. Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine. When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair, she thought she'd dye. Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead-to-know basis. Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses. Acupuncture is a jab well done. Man driving down road. Woman driving up same road They pass each other Woman yells out window, "P I G !" Man yells out window, " B * T C H " Man rounds next curve Crashes into a huge pig in middle of road. Thought For The Day: If only men would listen "Hillary's got this huge book, it's a memoir of her life and times at the White House. In the book she says when Bill told her he was having an affair, she said 'I could hardly breath, I was gulping for air.' No, I'm sorry, that's what Monica said." - David Letterman "Hillary Clinton's book hits the stores this Monday. Oh boy, it took her a long time to write it. But in her defense, every time she tried to use the desk, Bill was always using it for a date."  - Jay Leno "Hillary Clinton's 506-page memoirs comes out next week. So much of her personality shines through, that in the end, you'll want to sleep with an intern."  - Craig Kilborn "In Hillary Clinton's new book 'Living History,' Hillary details what it was like meeting Bill Clinton, falling in love with him, getting married, and living a passionate, wonderful life as husband and wife. Then on page two, the trouble starts."  - Jay Leno "Hillary Clinton has finished her memoirs for publication next year, while Bill has barely finished the first chapter. Well, in all  fairness, Fiction is a lot harder to write."  - Jay Leno "Hillary Clinton, our junior senator from New York, announced that she has no intentions of ever, ever running for office of the President of the United States. Her husband, Bill Clinton, is bitterly disappointed. He is crushed. There go his dreams of becoming a two-impeachment family."  - David Letterman "Last night, Senator Hillary Clinton hosted her first party in her new home in Washington. People said it was a lot like the parties she used to host at the White House. In fact, even the furniture was the same."  - Jay Leno "Senator Hillary Clinton is attacking President Bush for breaking his campaign promise to cut carbon dioxide emissions, saying a promise made, a promise broken. And then out of habit, she demanded that Bush spend the night on the couch." - Late, Late Show host Craig Kilborn "Hillary Clinton is the junior senator from the great state of New York. When they swore her in, she used the Clinton family Bible. You know, the one with only seven commandments."  - David Letterman "CNN found that Hillary Clinton is the most admired woman in America. Women admire her because she's strong and successful. Men admire her because she allows her husband to cheat and get away with it."  - Jay Leno Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather passed away, Katie rushed to her grandmother's house to visit and comfort her 95 year old grandmother. When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied " He had a heart attack while we were making love Sunday morning". Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old having sex was just asking for trouble. "Oh No" replied her grandmother, "many years ago, because of our age, we decided to make love on Sunday mornings when the church bells started to ring. The rhythm was just right, slow and even, Nothing strenuous, simply in on the ding and out on the dong" . She paused to wipe away a tear and continued "And if that damn ice cream truck hadn't come along, he would still be alive today!" A  young guy from Texas moves to California and goes to a big "everything under one roof" department store looking for a job. The manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?" The kid says, "Yeah, I was a salesman back home in Texas ." Well, the boss liked the kid so he gave him the job "You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did." His first day on the job was rough but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down. "How many sales did you make today?" The kid says, "One." The boss says, "Just one? Our sales people average 20 or 30 sales a day. How much was the sale for?" The kid says, "$101,237.64." The boss says, "$101,237.64? What the hell did you sell?" The Kid says, "First I sold him a small fish hook. Then I sold him a medium fish hook. Then I sold him a larger fish hook. Then I sold him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down at the coast, so I told him he was gonna need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him that twin engine Chris Craft. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4X4 Blazer." The boss said, "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and truck?" The Kid says, "No, he came in here to buy a box of tampons for his wife and I said, 'Well, your weekend's shot, you might as well go fishing." Two vultures board an airplane, each carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at them and says, "I'm sorry, gentlemen, only one carrion allowed per passenger." Two boll weevils grew up in South Carolina. One went to Hollywood and became a famous actor. The other stayed behind in the cotton fields and never amounted to much. The second one, naturally, became known as the lesser of two weevils. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, but when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it, too. A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He slides up to the bar and announces: "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw." Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? He wanted to transcend dental medication. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse "But why?" they asked, as they moved off. "Because," he said, "I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer." A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Ahmal." The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal." These friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up a small florist shop to raise funds. Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, a rival florist across town thought the competition was unfair. He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not. He went back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him. So, the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town to "persuade" them to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he'd be back if they didn't close up shop. Terrified, they did so, by proving that Hugh, and only Hugh, can prevent florist friars. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him (Oh, man, this is so bad, it's good) a super callused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis. And finally, there was a gal who sent ten different puns to friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did. Sid and Al were sitting in a Mexican restaurant. "Sid," asked Al, "are there any Jews in Mexico?" "I don't know," Sid replied. "Why don't we ask the waiter?" When the waiter came by, Al asked him, "Are there any Mexican Jews?" "I don't know sir, let me ask," the waiter replied, and he went into the kitchen. He returned in a few minutes and said, "No, sir. No Mexican Jews." "Are you sure?" Al asked. "I will check again, sir." the waiter replied and went back to the kitchen. While he was still gone, Sid said, "I cannot believe there are no Jews in Mexico. Our people are scattered everywhere." When the waiter returned he said, "Sir, no Mexican Jews." "Are you really sure?" Al asked again. "I cannot believe there are no Mexican Jews." "Sir, I ask everyone," the waiter replied exasperated. "We have orange Jews, prune Jews, tomato Jews and grape Jews, but no one ever hear of Mexican Jews!" "You know the world is going crazy when the best rapper is a white guy, the best golfer is a black guy, the tallest guy in the NBA is Chinese, the Swiss hold the America's Cup, France is accusing the U.S. of arrogance, Germany doesn't want to go to war, and the three most powerful men in America are named 'Bush', 'Dick', and 'Colon.' Need I say more?" - Chris Rock There was a Frenchman, an Englishman and Claudia Schiffer sitting together in a carriage in a train going through Provence. Suddenly the train went through a tunnel and as it was an old style train, there were no lights in the carriages and it went completely dark. Then there was a kissing noise and the sound of a really loud slap. When the train came out of the tunnel, Claudia Schiffer and the Englishman were sitting as if nothing had happened and the Frenchman had his hand against his face as if he had been slapped there.  The Frenchman was thinking: 'The English fella must have kissed Claudia Schiffer and she missed him and slapped me instead.' Claudia Schiffer was thinking: 'The French fella must have tried to kiss me and actually kissed the Englishman and got slapped for it.' And the Englishman was thinking: 'This is great. The next time the train goes through a tunnel I'll make another kissing noise and slap that French bastard again.'  "There are a number of mechanical devices which  increase sexual arousal, particularly in women.  Chief among these is the Mercedes Benz 380 SL."  -- Lynn Lavner  "According to a new survey, women say they feel  more comfortable undressing in front of men than  they do undressing in front of other women.  They say that women are too judgmental, where,  of course, men are just grateful."  -- Robert De Niro  "You know that look women get when they want  sex? Me neither."  -- Steve Martin  "Women need a reason to have sex.  Men just need a place."  -- Billy Crystal  "I believe that sex is one of the most beautiful,  natural, wholesome things that money can buy."  -- Tom Clancy  "Ah, yes, divorce, from the Latin word meaning to  rip out a man's genitals through his wallet.  -- Robin Williams  "Instead of getting married again, I'm going to  find a woman I don't like and just give her a house."  -- Rod Stewart  "Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have  a good partner, you'd better have a good hand."  -- Woody Allen  "Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a  date on Saturday night."  -- Rodney Dangerfield  "Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake whole relationships.  -- Sharon Stone  "My girlfriend always laughs during sex---no matter what she's reading."  -- Steve Jobs (Founder, Apple Computers)  "My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch."  -- Jack Nicholson  "There's very little advice in men's magazines,  because men think they know what their doing. Just  show me somebody naked. "  -- Jerry Seinfeld  "There's a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men Are having allergic reactions to latex  condoms. They say they cause severe swelling. So what's the problem?"  -- Dustin Hoffman  "See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and  a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time."  -- Robin Williams ROMANCE MATHEMATICS Smart man + smart woman = romance Smart man + dumb woman = affair Dumb man + smart woman = marriage Dumb man + dumb woman = pregnancy OFFICE ARITHMETIC Smart boss + smart employee = profit Smart boss + dumb employee = production Dumb boss + smart employee = promotion Dumb boss + dumb employee = overtime SHOPPING MATH A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs. A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need. GENERAL EQUATIONS & STATISTICS A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband. A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife. A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man. HAPPINESS To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little. To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all. LONGEVITY Married men live longer than single men do, but married men are a lot more willing to die. PROPENSITY TO CHANGE A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't. A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she does. DISCUSSION TECHNIQUE A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument. HOW TO STOP PEOPLE FROM BUGGING YOU ABOUT GETTING MARRIED Old aunts used to come up to me at weddings, poking me in the ribs telling me, "You're next." They stopped after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals. SEND THIS TO A SMART WOMAN WHO NEEDS A LAUGH AND TO THE SMART GUYS THAT YOU KNOW CAN HANDLE IT! An Afghanistan diplomat visiting the US for the first time was being wined and dined by the State Department.  The diplomat was not use to the salt in American foods (French fries, cheeses, salami, anchovies, etc.) and was constantly sending his manservant Abdul to fetch him a glass of water. Time and again, Abdul would scamper off and return with a glass of water, but then came the time when he returned empty handed. "Abdul, you son of an ugly camel, where is my water?" demanded the diplomat  "A thousand pardons, O Illustrious One," stammered the wretched Abdul, "A man is sitting on the well!"  When I was 14, I hoped that one day I would have a girlfriend. When I was16, I got a girlfriend, but there was no passion. So I decided I  needed a passionate girl with a zest for life. In college, I dated a passionate  girl, but  she was too emotional. Everything was an emergency; she was